Bold Santa Claus: Can he be investigated over illegal data collection? #eudatap

20 Dec

A light hearted piece, penned by a couple of us in BEERGon the employment data aspects of data protection from the festive/end of year edition of the BEERG Newsletter 

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reding (2)The BEERG Team write:According to usually unreliable sources in Brussels, Commissioner Reding is to ask the European Parliament to investigate allegations that the head of a global enterprise operating from an unspecified Artic territory just within EU borders has been holding and using data files on a range of individuals world-wide. There are also suspicions that the enterprise may have links to the US’s National Security Agency (NSA). The company concerned has been identified as Claws Enterprises, headed by the mysterious Sanity Claws.

Commission Reding is said to have been alerted to the operations of Claws after hearing a rhyming couplet broadcast on several EU and US radio stations in recent weeks.   According to the aforementioned sources the recording said that Claws has been

       “…making a list and checking it twice / he’s going to find out who’s naughty and nice…”

Leading data protection sources informed BEERG that no information commission or data protection authority anywhere in the EU can trace any records of any non-judicial or non-policing enterprise or individual registering with them for the purpose of checking who is “naughty or nice”.

The recording is causing understandable concern in the EU capital coming so soon as it does on the heels of the Snowden revelations. The suggestion that both this enterprise and Mr Snowden are based in neighbouring Polar Regions is also causing concern and raising questions of some collusion.

Commission Reding is said to be considering immediately raising this issue as part of the EU-US Trade talks given this enterprise’s seasonal global operations, particularly the suggestion that Claws (spelling of the name to be checked) is expected to be “coming to town” soon.  Tea Party sources in the US refused to confirm or deny rumours that they are hosting a reception for Mr Claws when he gets to DC. A Tea Party spokesperson said: “We will be having an end-of-year get together. Come all ye faithful”.

Questions are now being asked if this Mr Sanity Claws will be visiting the NSA offices near Washington DC during his impending visit and what is the nature of his relationship with the NSA given the rumours that he has a team of elves and minions strategically placed across the planet. French officials have questioned as to whether Claws Enterprises are operating in conformity with the Posting of Elves Directive.

One official commented: “We suspect that some of the elves posted by Claws to France may be below the minimum height requirement for elves in France. Further, we have suspicions that they may also be working on Sundays”.

The CGT union has called an emergency meeting of its Elves and Safety Committee and says it will oppose any moves to downsize French elves.  Meanwhile, a spokesperson for UNI Global said that while they had never heard of Claws Enterprises and had no idea what they did. Nevertheless, the spokesperson called on the company to open negotiations for an International Framework Agreement. The spokesperson added that they had commissioned a leading NGO to produce a report on “poverty pay” in Elf Land. We believe that the report is provisionally entitled: “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho our wages are too low”.

German media sources quoted Chancellor Angela Merkel saying: “Thankfully, as part of the program for government with our SPD colleagues we have just agreed a national minimum height for elves in Germany”.

Sources totally disconnected with Commissioner Reding’s office have been expressing concerns that this Sanity Claws enterprise has been gathering personal data with neither implicit or explicit written consent – either on file or online.

“Where does this leave the right to be forgotten?” said one of the sources. “We believe that the right to be completely forgotten must be applied and that these lists being held by Mr Sanity Claws and the personal information held on them must be destroyed within the next 10 days. We know that the people of the EU and the US, especially younger people, will thank us for this before the end of the month if we have our way”, they continued.

When asked if the Commission position meant that Claws should destroy his lists and not deliver presents to children on December 25th our source responded that “austerity was for life and not just for Christmas” and the sooner that children realised this the better.

Another anonymous legal source, specialising in the area of contract law and service level agreements, has told BEERG over the phone that they do not believe the specified enterprise could legally or credibly offer a reward-based service determined solely on a subjective assessment of an individual’s niceness or naughtiness. “It sounds like madness to us lawyers” they said. “We have examined the text, the content and provisions of hundreds of contracts over the years and, based on this experience, we can state with near certainty that there is no sanity clause.”

PS… since writing this piece we are hearing reports that the Commission have also learned of another enterprise holding and using unapproved personal oral hygiene data trading under the name: The Tooth Fairy.

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